[ Claire shows up shortly after, always in possession of at least one animal, it seems. This time it's Diablo, as Tug is away with comms along with Izzie. As per usual, it's nice to have the opportunity to breathe without inhaling a cloud of black dog hair. Doubly so because she kind of feels like some anxious animal is trying to claw its way out of her chest cavity.
Should she knock? Probably. Claire does that, making Diablo sit and stay while she waits for the door to either open or not open. ]
[ The door opens on Kate's voice command, so she doesn't have to get up. Her spare room is sort of roughly converted with stuff harvested from a lounge on an empty floor, cushions turning one of the beds into an almost-couch, a screen from one of the media rooms set up on the bed across from it. The mug in her hands isn't steaming anymore but there's the vague scent of coffee in the room.
She looks at the puppy first, not so much because she's ignoring Claire but because it's a puppy. ] Which one is that?
[ If she's being honest, the puppy is sort of a bargaining chip. Maybe that's manipulative of her, but Claire had spent a certain amount of time debating whether or not Kate would really let her in without something on the table to bribe her with. Maybe that's an insult to Kate's character - which is why she would never mention it aloud - but it's also a testament to Claire's inexperience in dealing with this. Her natural reaction is to shut down and shut up and go away. Or make Kate go away. Seeing as how the other girl has done a bang up job of that on her own - not that Claire hasn't - she doesn't know why she doesn't just leave it.
Still, in the doorway she stands. ]
Diablo. Tug's a lot more to handle. I would've brought Izzie but... puppy.
Learning fast. [ She's watching him sit and stay, which is pretty impressive for a puppy and also exponentially more adorable. Kate suspects she's being bribed a little, but better to think of the puppy as an olive branch or a buffer, something to break the tension and give them both something else to do instead of just staring awkwardly across the room at each other while trying to have whatever conversation this is going to be.
So she slides off her makeshift couch and heads over to crouch down and offer Diablo her hand, palm up. The surgical scars have almost faded to nothing, just the very faintest of pale rings around her wrists, only if you know where to look. ]
[ She comes into the room proper, and Diablo trots after her, his little black tail - getting bigger every day - swishing along behind him and trailing on the floor a little. Not scared or nervous, just lazy. Claire holds onto his leash without pressure or restraint, and he sits down like a good boy right in front of Kate's hand, clearly expecting praise for the one command that he knows very well as opposed to nothing for one that he doesn't. Claire stares at Kate's hands, noting the scars, faded as they are, and laughs softly when Diablo doesn't shake but does reach sharp little puppy teeth out to gnaw and slobber all over Kate's fingers. ]
Diablo, don't. Be nice. [ Her voice is warning, stern but kind. He blinks at looks up at them both and then decides he has had enough of sitting and decides to walk his fat butt around instead. She isn't worried about him bolting into the hall with the door closed behind them, so she drops the leash. She is worried that she feels guilty for not having checked in with Kate sooner, when she's been going through a hard time, and a little worried that she still feels sort of annoyed despite being the one to reach out. ]
How have you been?
Edited (let me just use the same icon 3 times ) 2014-10-22 23:37 (UTC)
[ Kate's not about to deny a puppy praise just because he hasn't learned a trick yet, and slobbering on her hand gets a crooked smile out of her anyway. She draws her fingers away from his teeth but pets his head, gently scratching behind soft ears before he trots off to explore. ] He's okay.
[ She gets to her feet and takes the half-step across the room to retrieve her coffee, but this time has the good grace to cup her hands around the mug and apologize, ] I only have the one cup, sorry. You can sit if you want? [ She's going to lean on the corner of the bureau, but she gestures around that Claire should make herself comfortable. She's not really the grudge-holding type and would just as soon see this sorted out, but as far as she's concerned it's Claire who has the problem, so she gets to start. ]
[ Claire is the grudge-holding type, is the problem.
Actually, no. The problem comes in the form of wanting to remedy the grudge thing and being ill-equipped to deal with it. West was the last person that she resented and she got over their disagreement and breakup by watching Nathan get shot on tv and then having her head sawed open on her coffee table. Prioritizing her grudges really came to the forefront at that point in her life.
Now, she sits on the edge of something vaguely comfortable, hands on her knees but not awkwardly, just perched. Her hands eventually find their way together, clasped in front of her, and she leans forward on her elbows, balanced on her thighs. ]
I guess I should start off by saying that I know it was you who made that zombie, robot, clone post. [ Her tone of voice hopefully indicates that's not the primary reason she's been upset with Kate, but that's more difficult to vocalize. ] I kind of get why you did it, but you pissed a lot of people off, you know.
[ It's really not a promising start. Unless Claire was looking to get Kate's defenses up even more than they already are. It's a bunch of things she doesn't like at once: getting blindsided with an embarrassing topic, someone knowing something she'd tried to conceal and not being sure how it got out, the sense that she's about to be lectured. There's a brief bulge at the joint of her jaw as she clenches her teeth. It takes real effort not to sound surly right off the bat. ]
Yes, I know. It was stupid. Is that what you wanted to talk about?
[ Claire chews the inside of her mouth until she can taste blood. She's aware that her face is all screwed up from the effort but doesn't have the inclination to do anything about it. Even when she'd learned that it had been Kate who had made that post, Claire hadn't been angry, just disappointed, which could be construed as worse than anger, given any one person's particular perspective, but that's not what she's been angry about.
Truthfully, she isn't even really angry anymore. Just deflated. And sad. Every time she gets to be friends with someone, it gets fucked up in some stupid way. Kate can't know, but the fact that Claire is trying at all is a testament to how much she actually cares. ]
No. Actually I wanted to talk about your whole 'no homo' thing after you made out with Johanna.
[ One thing had fed into the other. Coming off the crest of being told she had been the one to make that post, that three-way text conversation hadn't had the best timing. She's glad that Kate recognizes the post itself wasn't the smartest move. ]
[ Kate's nose wrinkles, because it's not like this is a pleasant topic either but at least this one she knew was coming even if she's still not sure exactly what Claire's angle on it is. She lifts a hand to brush hair back behind her ear, turning her coffee mug in her hands. ]
Look, I know everything I said about that I said in a really stupid way. I was really drunk and then really hungover, and embarrassed and just kind of...off-balance. Nothing came out in a way I'm proud of.
[ Her natural inclination is to just leave it at that. Okay! Great. We're done here, right? Except Claire knows that won't resolve anything in the long run and if Kate doesn't at least have a basis for understanding why that was Claire's reaction then she hasn't done her job as a friend right. ]
I should've given you more information from the beginning, because I know you weren't trying to be nasty on purpose about it, and how could you have known it was gonna offend me?
[ That doesn't in any way make it justifiable, what she'd said, and more than anything Claire just wants Kate to think about what she says before it comes out of her mouth, drunk, hungover, scared, or otherwise. Claire makes a noise, kind of like ahh but more of a hiss of air between her teeth, because even though she's told the person most likely to be affected by it that she dated girls and would date girls again, it's still weird to share it with anyone in general. Her whole life has been pervaded by secrecy, so that just seems the logical course of action to take regarding everything, especially following the knowledge that Kate had been the one to make the post. That's just how it's always been with Claire. Walls up. ]
I got offended because - [ Fuck it. ] - I mean, the last person that I had any sort of a relationship with before I got here was a girl. Her name's Gretchen. The whole conversation just felt like you were being really insensitive about the situation, and I get it. You were wasted. And then hungover. But can you see how playing the whole 'oh, I was drunk and made out with a girl and I love you guys but not in a gay way' might come off to someone who's still trying to figure it out?
that icon's just like HERE FINE HAVE MY SECRET TAKE IT
[ Kate winces, minutely at 'nasty', just the slightest facial twitch, and then more obviously as Claire goes on. She presses fingers to her forehead and then rakes them back through her hair and nods. ]
Yeah, I can see how that would've made it even worse. And I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said it anyway, but I especially wouldn't have if I'd known that. But look, I mean-- [ It's her turn to pause awkwardly, hand half-out in a stalled gesture. She doesn't like airing her business any more than Claire does, which is part of what had made her so intensely touchy the next morning, but fair is fair. ] I'm trying to figure it out, too. I'm not saying that as an excuse, but I just-- it wasn't just some Katy Perry bullshit, okay? I'm into her. Like really into her. And it caught me off-guard when I realized it that night because it's just like one more stupid thing that I'm suddenly not sure about with myself and I-- I kind of freaked out a little. Like how did I not know that? Is it new? And I handled it really weirdly and badly.
[ It is and isn't the reaction that she's expecting, because she's spent the last what? month? thinking that Kate had just dismissed the whole situation as a drunken one night college sophomore kind of thing and nothing else. Because she's been building up the scenario in her own mind to both fuel and feed and justify her anger without stopping to consider any alternatives. She listens intently, not looking away but doing her best to keep her expression open to understanding, rather than neutral or arranged in a way that might imply anger. She's not angry anymore anyway. ]
Okay, well, number one, I think Johanna might be kind of aggro so please don't let her get drunk around you when she's carrying that axe. [ She believes that but also tries to convey that she's joking. A little. Just to break some of the tension. ] And number two... I don't know. You never know. It's just there. It caught me totally off-guard, too. That's why I thought, hey, if there's even a chance that this is something Kate's serious about, looking at it from that perspective is probably not the best way to go.
[ She runs one hand through blonde hair that is steadily getting longer again. Diablo is chewing on the toe of her boot, and she shakes him away a little. He jumps up, sticks his butt in the air, and attacks her toes again. She sighs in defeet defeat. ]
For what it's worth, I'm sorry, too. I still haven't figured it out, and I hadn't told, I mean, anyone about Gretchen at that point, and it just felt like something that I needed to get pissed about. [ She winces, slightly, and exhales hard. ] We're pretty adult, right? This is something that we should've talked about like rational adults. But also that's... not easy? I don't know. I suck at having friendships that aren't superficial. I want you to feel like you can talk to me about that kind of stuff, though. Sometimes that's easier said than done, and I get that, too, but I'd rather you talk to me about something that's freaking you out than... any of that.
[ Any of that being any of Kate's typical defense mechanisms. ]
[ Kate laughs a little, quietly, at the bit about the axe, but otherwise keeps her mouth shut and listens, shifting onto the bed opposite so she can draw a knee up to her chest and hook her mug-carrying arm around it. Her gaze isn't always fixed on Claire - she doesn't force eye contact - but even with her eyes on Diablo or her coffee she's listening, and looks up often enough to make that clear.
When the blonde seems done Kate's swirling what's left in her cup, and takes a sip before shrugging one shoulder, mouth tipped into a rueful sort of smile. ]
I was going to talk to you about it, but by the time I was capable of actual conversation we'd already screwed it up. [ 'We' is okay here, right? They can agree it was at least something of a joint effort? ] I'm not very good at talking about feelings. Not mine, anyway. Other people's I'm great at. But it shouldn't take us this long to deal with things like that.
And for what it's worth, I've decided to just kind of...let it go. I like hooking up with her, maybe there'll be other girls in the future I want to hook up with too, maybe not. No way to know at this point, right? It still seems weird that it took me til 22 to even really consider it, but. [ She shrugs, like what can you do. ] It's been a spectacularly shitty couple of months, I'm not going to complain about this. Even if she is totally aggro.
She's totally aggro. At least we can agree on that. But kind of cool in her own terrifying way. She offered to help me with the whole sword thing. So while you probably shouldn't make out with her when she's got an axe in her hands, I think it would be okay to make out with her if you felt like it.
[ Is a long-winded way of saying that yes, it's okay to use 'we' in this situation. She's able to put pride aside enough and has been from early on to admit that she fucked up, too. Pulling Kate aside and explaining things would have been easier than just shouting at her over a text message and then not talking to her for however long, but anger is anger, and she's done a lot worse in the past. ]
It's not weird that it took you until twenty-two to consider it at all. I don't think most people have anything figured out for half of their lives. My parents got divorced in their forties, so I think they're even still trying to figure it out. People who do have it all figured out, they're either some scientific marvel or I'm really jealous of them.
[ Granted, most of those people don't have to deal with the idea of immortality on top of everything else, which explains as much about her reluctance and general ignorance as anything else. For her part, Claire draws her legs up and folds them in front of her, leaning her elbows on her knees. Diablo, dismayed, attempts to climb up after them and eat her hair. ]
Anyway, I think the fact that we both suck at talking about how we feel individually but have an interest in how other people feel means that we actually come out even.
You talk about my feelings and I'll talk about yours? [ Kate smiles crookedly, and draws her other leg up to fold in front of her, brushing hair back over her shoulder. It's really long, at least halfway down her back like she hasn't cut it since before she arrived (because she hasn't). ]
I guess I wouldn't think it was quite so weird if my entire team weren't queer, [ she explains, gesturing with her mug. ] The most recent version of my team, at least. My two best friends for a long time are gay and my family doesn't give a shit, it's not like I would have had much reason to-- repress it or whatever. But yeah, I guess people are always figuring things out. Even if it seems like you should at least have these basics down by now. Maybe I've just got a weirdly specific type and it's 'aggro girls with axes'.
[ She watches the puppy, and slides her feet back to the floor, leaning over like she'd pick him up, but she checks first: ] Can I?
Also relationships and feelings are terrifying, so there's that.
[ Talking about playing with puppies is a lot easier than talking about talking about feelings, or just talking about feelings. Diablo, at least, seems to be aware that he is being paid attention to or, rather, become the topic of conversation, because he stops trying to inhale Claire's nose and chin at the exact moment of Kate's movement toward them. ]
Yes, god, please. [ She sounds exasperated, buried, and she gets her hands under Diablo's legs enough to manhandle him to the floor. He's still pick-up-able, but he's getting bigger and squirmier every day. She needs to start him on a training regime if she ever wants him to be useful in medbay. (If she is ever invited back to medbay.) ] He's great but he's exhausting.
[ She's aware that it sounds like she's describing a newborn. ]
They're really not worth the effort. This is why casual is perfect.
[ Kate is definitely the best person to take relationship advice from for sure.
She shifts onto the floor, folding her legs in front of her and scooping Diablo up into her lap before he has time to wonder what's happening. He's big and squirmy but Kate has fast hands and more patience with puppies than people. She plays with his paws and scratches his belly and ducks her head low to talk to him in an undertone and overall seems to forget for a minute that Claire is in the room and they are having a conversation. ]
[ Maybe someday, when she's more comfortable in her own skin. It's a strange kind of dichotomy, considering her reluctance to even form relationships in the first place. Casual would be easier for feeling a connection without having to have any of the strings, but her propensity to look for that connection she wants but is terrified of having in the first place overpowers the urge to just have things be anonymous. It helps that she's a virgin, still - or doesn't - and no matter what her perspective is on sex - mostly she doesn't care - Claire assumes having something casual is easier when you've already done it a couple of times.
She's very comfortable with what she has, besides. ]
If you ever wanted to hang out with him, or walk him, or, seriously, anything. I wouldn't mind.
That's fair [ Kate says and not in that way that people say it (and she says it) where it really means "fine, suit yourself" but like she does actually agree that that is a perfectly valid approach. It's easier to sound nice (to be nice, because it's not like she's faking it) when you're playing with a puppy, one who is sat in her lap and quickly learning the game where she puts her hand on his paw and then tries to pull it away before he can get his paw on top of her hand. She looks up after a second and smiles. ]
I'd love to. I had a dog, at home. Or technically Clint had a dog. Or really technically technically, some tracksuit draculas had a dog, but they were kicking him around so Clint brought him home and named him Lucky, and then he came with me when I went to California. [ She makes a 'long story short' gesture, twirling a circle in the air with her hand. ] I miss him.
[ But enough about that. She flips Diablo's ears over his eyes. ]
It took me a while to get used to the idea of casual. And then my first one night stand I ended up basically living with for the better part of a year. But space sucks, so. Might as well have some fun.
[ Tracksuit draculas? Claire isn't sure the image that she's getting is what Kate is actually referring to, though she has to admit that it does make the story that much more colorful in her head, as she's envisioning it alongside Kate's voice spelling it. She hopes Clint also staked those tracksuit draculas or at least punched them in the face a couple of times but doesn't ask. She doesn't want to offend Diablo. Or talk about a dog that Kate misses.
For her part, Claire never actually had a big floppy family dog, and her mom's Poms were always on a tight schedule and training regime. Not really the kind of animal that you roll around with in the backyard. ]
It's probably smarter to just do things casually, if you're capable of not getting too invested. But I guess you'd probably have to be a cold-hearted bastard if you didn't care that someone you slept with once got shot off into space or... if they missed a jump or disappeared or something. And I don't think anyone in this room is that. Maybe Diablo. [ She recognizes that her entanglements are terrifying and dangerous for her in that respect, but Claire also is willing to acknowledge that she wants them and deserves them and there's very little option in getting rid of them. As evidenced by her sitting here, for one. ] I mean I've never - well. The past couple of relationships that I've had were unmitigated disasters, even Gretchen. I haven't gotten to the fun part with anyone yet.
[ Is a really lame way of announcing her virgin club membership card. Lifelong member, but she really, really does not think about that. As no one should. ]
[ Kate never had a dog growing up either, part of why she's latched on to Lucky hard enough to consider him (at least partly) hers instead of letting Clint fumble around and do a well-intentioned but sometimes half-assed job dog-rearing. Dogs can't live on pizza alone no matter how much they enjoy it. At least not cheap pizza.
Claire goes on and she pulls a bit of a face at the top of Diablo's head, not sure for a moment whether she ought to be kind of offended or not. She's more confused, ultimately, and Claire doesn't seem to mean it meanly or about her at all, so whatever. She plays with puppy paws more, and ruffles his sides. ]
You're not a cold hearted bastard, are you buddy? No way. I mean I cared when Aidan left, I guess [ this directed obviously at Claire instead of the dog ] but he just went home and it was probably for the best that ended when it did anyway. Johanna.... [ She just shrugs. Who the hell knows how that's going to end.
She's more than capable of reading between the lines, but doesn't comment directly, at least not right away. Instead she says, vaguely but because she's not sure how to explain more than because she's trying to avoid the subject: ] None of mine have ended well but they were...complicated.
Which makes it sound like I've had some long string of boyfriends instead of really just two but they were both kind of disasters. Okay at the time and sort of-- important in some way, but never going to work out.
The fun part is the best part, though. As T-Rex says, "feelings are boring, kissing is awesome."
[ Claire arches an eyebrow and tries to parse through that before opening her mouth and embarrassing herself in some way, but there's no getting around it. ]
T-Rex? I know dinosaurs didn't come back from extinction just to start handing out relationships advice.
[ Although, given she and Kate's mutual and discussed track record, maybe a dinosaur would be able to help them more than they're able to help themselves. She is still pretty sure that she is going to fuck up royally with what she has now, which is the exact opposite of casual in so many ways, but even calling attention to that makes her feel like she's going to throw up. ]
It's from a webcomic. [ Kate looks up to smile, and shrug. ] My friends are nerds. But it's true!
[ Diablo starts trying to gnaw on her jeans and she shoves him free, evading snippy teeth on the way. She palms her comm, typing with a thumb while she fends off his playful attacks. She's clearly a little distracted as she asks: ]
So other than fed up with puppies, how are things?
My friends are nerds, and I've never heard about this until right now.
[ And frankly she sounds a little put out over it. Also, gosh, Kate, there is this whole heartening reunion happening here, and you are going to text while it takes place? Rude. Claire snatches Diablo around the middle and sets him on a collision course for anything that isn't Kate's pants. This will likely end up being any number of Kate's other possessions, but he's less destructive than Tug and just more curious and cautiously optimistic by nature. ]
Fine, I guess. [ Pause. ] Well. Good, actually. I'm not dead yet, so I figure that's got to be a plus, right? I went back down into the corridors after the last jump. Didn't really find anything, which is annyoing.
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alsohawkeye) wrote2024-01-11 07:28 pm
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[ Claire shows up shortly after, always in possession of at least one animal, it seems. This time it's Diablo, as Tug is away with comms along with Izzie. As per usual, it's nice to have the opportunity to breathe without inhaling a cloud of black dog hair. Doubly so because she kind of feels like some anxious animal is trying to claw its way out of her chest cavity.
Should she knock? Probably. Claire does that, making Diablo sit and stay while she waits for the door to either open or not open. ]
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She looks at the puppy first, not so much because she's ignoring Claire but because it's a puppy. ] Which one is that?
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Still, in the doorway she stands. ]
Diablo. Tug's a lot more to handle. I would've brought Izzie but... puppy.
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So she slides off her makeshift couch and heads over to crouch down and offer Diablo her hand, palm up. The surgical scars have almost faded to nothing, just the very faintest of pale rings around her wrists, only if you know where to look. ]
What a good boy. Can he shake? You can come in.
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[ She comes into the room proper, and Diablo trots after her, his little black tail - getting bigger every day - swishing along behind him and trailing on the floor a little. Not scared or nervous, just lazy. Claire holds onto his leash without pressure or restraint, and he sits down like a good boy right in front of Kate's hand, clearly expecting praise for the one command that he knows very well as opposed to nothing for one that he doesn't. Claire stares at Kate's hands, noting the scars, faded as they are, and laughs softly when Diablo doesn't shake but does reach sharp little puppy teeth out to gnaw and slobber all over Kate's fingers. ]
Diablo, don't. Be nice. [ Her voice is warning, stern but kind. He blinks at looks up at them both and then decides he has had enough of sitting and decides to walk his fat butt around instead. She isn't worried about him bolting into the hall with the door closed behind them, so she drops the leash. She is worried that she feels guilty for not having checked in with Kate sooner, when she's been going through a hard time, and a little worried that she still feels sort of annoyed despite being the one to reach out. ]
How have you been?
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[ She gets to her feet and takes the half-step across the room to retrieve her coffee, but this time has the good grace to cup her hands around the mug and apologize, ] I only have the one cup, sorry. You can sit if you want? [ She's going to lean on the corner of the bureau, but she gestures around that Claire should make herself comfortable. She's not really the grudge-holding type and would just as soon see this sorted out, but as far as she's concerned it's Claire who has the problem, so she gets to start. ]
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Actually, no. The problem comes in the form of wanting to remedy the grudge thing and being ill-equipped to deal with it. West was the last person that she resented and she got over their disagreement and breakup by watching Nathan get shot on tv and then having her head sawed open on her coffee table. Prioritizing her grudges really came to the forefront at that point in her life.
Now, she sits on the edge of something vaguely comfortable, hands on her knees but not awkwardly, just perched. Her hands eventually find their way together, clasped in front of her, and she leans forward on her elbows, balanced on her thighs. ]
I guess I should start off by saying that I know it was you who made that zombie, robot, clone post. [ Her tone of voice hopefully indicates that's not the primary reason she's been upset with Kate, but that's more difficult to vocalize. ] I kind of get why you did it, but you pissed a lot of people off, you know.
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Yes, I know. It was stupid. Is that what you wanted to talk about?
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Truthfully, she isn't even really angry anymore. Just deflated. And sad. Every time she gets to be friends with someone, it gets fucked up in some stupid way. Kate can't know, but the fact that Claire is trying at all is a testament to how much she actually cares. ]
No. Actually I wanted to talk about your whole 'no homo' thing after you made out with Johanna.
[ One thing had fed into the other. Coming off the crest of being told she had been the one to make that post, that three-way text conversation hadn't had the best timing. She's glad that Kate recognizes the post itself wasn't the smartest move. ]
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Look, I know everything I said about that I said in a really stupid way. I was really drunk and then really hungover, and embarrassed and just kind of...off-balance. Nothing came out in a way I'm proud of.
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I should've given you more information from the beginning, because I know you weren't trying to be nasty on purpose about it, and how could you have known it was gonna offend me?
[ That doesn't in any way make it justifiable, what she'd said, and more than anything Claire just wants Kate to think about what she says before it comes out of her mouth, drunk, hungover, scared, or otherwise. Claire makes a noise, kind of like ahh but more of a hiss of air between her teeth, because even though she's told the person most likely to be affected by it that she dated girls and would date girls again, it's still weird to share it with anyone in general. Her whole life has been pervaded by secrecy, so that just seems the logical course of action to take regarding everything, especially following the knowledge that Kate had been the one to make the post. That's just how it's always been with Claire. Walls up. ]
I got offended because - [ Fuck it. ] - I mean, the last person that I had any sort of a relationship with before I got here was a girl. Her name's Gretchen. The whole conversation just felt like you were being really insensitive about the situation, and I get it. You were wasted. And then hungover. But can you see how playing the whole 'oh, I was drunk and made out with a girl and I love you guys but not in a gay way' might come off to someone who's still trying to figure it out?
that icon's just like HERE FINE HAVE MY SECRET TAKE IT
Yeah, I can see how that would've made it even worse. And I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said it anyway, but I especially wouldn't have if I'd known that. But look, I mean-- [ It's her turn to pause awkwardly, hand half-out in a stalled gesture. She doesn't like airing her business any more than Claire does, which is part of what had made her so intensely touchy the next morning, but fair is fair. ] I'm trying to figure it out, too. I'm not saying that as an excuse, but I just-- it wasn't just some Katy Perry bullshit, okay? I'm into her. Like really into her. And it caught me off-guard when I realized it that night because it's just like one more stupid thing that I'm suddenly not sure about with myself and I-- I kind of freaked out a little. Like how did I not know that? Is it new? And I handled it really weirdly and badly.
I OFFER IT TO YOU also a lot of word vomit
Okay, well, number one, I think Johanna might be kind of aggro so please don't let her get drunk around you when she's carrying that axe. [ She believes that but also tries to convey that she's joking. A little. Just to break some of the tension. ] And number two... I don't know. You never know. It's just there. It caught me totally off-guard, too. That's why I thought, hey, if there's even a chance that this is something Kate's serious about, looking at it from that perspective is probably not the best way to go.
[ She runs one hand through blonde hair that is steadily getting longer again. Diablo is chewing on the toe of her boot, and she shakes him away a little. He jumps up, sticks his butt in the air, and attacks her toes again. She sighs in
defeetdefeat. ]For what it's worth, I'm sorry, too. I still haven't figured it out, and I hadn't told, I mean, anyone about Gretchen at that point, and it just felt like something that I needed to get pissed about. [ She winces, slightly, and exhales hard. ] We're pretty adult, right? This is something that we should've talked about like rational adults. But also that's... not easy? I don't know. I suck at having friendships that aren't superficial. I want you to feel like you can talk to me about that kind of stuff, though. Sometimes that's easier said than done, and I get that, too, but I'd rather you talk to me about something that's freaking you out than... any of that.
[ Any of that being any of Kate's typical defense mechanisms. ]
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When the blonde seems done Kate's swirling what's left in her cup, and takes a sip before shrugging one shoulder, mouth tipped into a rueful sort of smile. ]
I was going to talk to you about it, but by the time I was capable of actual conversation we'd already screwed it up. [ 'We' is okay here, right? They can agree it was at least something of a joint effort? ] I'm not very good at talking about feelings. Not mine, anyway. Other people's I'm great at. But it shouldn't take us this long to deal with things like that.
And for what it's worth, I've decided to just kind of...let it go. I like hooking up with her, maybe there'll be other girls in the future I want to hook up with too, maybe not. No way to know at this point, right? It still seems weird that it took me til 22 to even really consider it, but. [ She shrugs, like what can you do. ] It's been a spectacularly shitty couple of months, I'm not going to complain about this. Even if she is totally aggro.
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[ Is a long-winded way of saying that yes, it's okay to use 'we' in this situation. She's able to put pride aside enough and has been from early on to admit that she fucked up, too. Pulling Kate aside and explaining things would have been easier than just shouting at her over a text message and then not talking to her for however long, but anger is anger, and she's done a lot worse in the past. ]
It's not weird that it took you until twenty-two to consider it at all. I don't think most people have anything figured out for half of their lives. My parents got divorced in their forties, so I think they're even still trying to figure it out. People who do have it all figured out, they're either some scientific marvel or I'm really jealous of them.
[ Granted, most of those people don't have to deal with the idea of immortality on top of everything else, which explains as much about her reluctance and general ignorance as anything else. For her part, Claire draws her legs up and folds them in front of her, leaning her elbows on her knees. Diablo, dismayed, attempts to climb up after them and eat her hair. ]
Anyway, I think the fact that we both suck at talking about how we feel individually but have an interest in how other people feel means that we actually come out even.
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I guess I wouldn't think it was quite so weird if my entire team weren't queer, [ she explains, gesturing with her mug. ] The most recent version of my team, at least. My two best friends for a long time are gay and my family doesn't give a shit, it's not like I would have had much reason to-- repress it or whatever. But yeah, I guess people are always figuring things out. Even if it seems like you should at least have these basics down by now. Maybe I've just got a weirdly specific type and it's 'aggro girls with axes'.
[ She watches the puppy, and slides her feet back to the floor, leaning over like she'd pick him up, but she checks first: ] Can I?
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[ Talking about playing with puppies is a lot easier than talking about talking about feelings, or just talking about feelings. Diablo, at least, seems to be aware that he is being paid attention to or, rather, become the topic of conversation, because he stops trying to inhale Claire's nose and chin at the exact moment of Kate's movement toward them. ]
Yes, god, please. [ She sounds exasperated, buried, and she gets her hands under Diablo's legs enough to manhandle him to the floor. He's still pick-up-able, but he's getting bigger and squirmier every day. She needs to start him on a training regime if she ever wants him to be useful in medbay. (If she is ever invited back to medbay.) ] He's great but he's exhausting.
[ She's aware that it sounds like she's describing a newborn. ]
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[ Kate is definitely the best person to take relationship advice from for sure.
She shifts onto the floor, folding her legs in front of her and scooping Diablo up into her lap before he has time to wonder what's happening. He's big and squirmy but Kate has fast hands and more patience with puppies than people. She plays with his paws and scratches his belly and ducks her head low to talk to him in an undertone and overall seems to forget for a minute that Claire is in the room and they are having a conversation. ]
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[ Maybe someday, when she's more comfortable in her own skin. It's a strange kind of dichotomy, considering her reluctance to even form relationships in the first place. Casual would be easier for feeling a connection without having to have any of the strings, but her propensity to look for that connection she wants but is terrified of having in the first place overpowers the urge to just have things be anonymous. It helps that she's a virgin, still - or doesn't - and no matter what her perspective is on sex - mostly she doesn't care - Claire assumes having something casual is easier when you've already done it a couple of times.
She's very comfortable with what she has, besides. ]
If you ever wanted to hang out with him, or walk him, or, seriously, anything. I wouldn't mind.
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I'd love to. I had a dog, at home. Or technically Clint had a dog. Or really technically technically, some tracksuit draculas had a dog, but they were kicking him around so Clint brought him home and named him Lucky, and then he came with me when I went to California. [ She makes a 'long story short' gesture, twirling a circle in the air with her hand. ] I miss him.
[ But enough about that. She flips Diablo's ears over his eyes. ]
It took me a while to get used to the idea of casual. And then my first one night stand I ended up basically living with for the better part of a year. But space sucks, so. Might as well have some fun.
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For her part, Claire never actually had a big floppy family dog, and her mom's Poms were always on a tight schedule and training regime. Not really the kind of animal that you roll around with in the backyard. ]
It's probably smarter to just do things casually, if you're capable of not getting too invested. But I guess you'd probably have to be a cold-hearted bastard if you didn't care that someone you slept with once got shot off into space or... if they missed a jump or disappeared or something. And I don't think anyone in this room is that. Maybe Diablo. [ She recognizes that her entanglements are terrifying and dangerous for her in that respect, but Claire also is willing to acknowledge that she wants them and deserves them and there's very little option in getting rid of them. As evidenced by her sitting here, for one. ] I mean I've never - well. The past couple of relationships that I've had were unmitigated disasters, even Gretchen. I haven't gotten to the fun part with anyone yet.
[ Is a really lame way of announcing her virgin club membership card. Lifelong member, but she really, really does not think about that. As no one should. ]
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Claire goes on and she pulls a bit of a face at the top of Diablo's head, not sure for a moment whether she ought to be kind of offended or not. She's more confused, ultimately, and Claire doesn't seem to mean it meanly or about her at all, so whatever. She plays with puppy paws more, and ruffles his sides. ]
You're not a cold hearted bastard, are you buddy? No way. I mean I cared when Aidan left, I guess [ this directed obviously at Claire instead of the dog ] but he just went home and it was probably for the best that ended when it did anyway. Johanna.... [ She just shrugs. Who the hell knows how that's going to end.
She's more than capable of reading between the lines, but doesn't comment directly, at least not right away. Instead she says, vaguely but because she's not sure how to explain more than because she's trying to avoid the subject: ] None of mine have ended well but they were...complicated.
Which makes it sound like I've had some long string of boyfriends instead of really just two but they were both kind of disasters. Okay at the time and sort of-- important in some way, but never going to work out.
The fun part is the best part, though. As T-Rex says, "feelings are boring, kissing is awesome."
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T-Rex? I know dinosaurs didn't come back from extinction just to start handing out relationships advice.
[ Although, given she and Kate's mutual and discussed track record, maybe a dinosaur would be able to help them more than they're able to help themselves. She is still pretty sure that she is going to fuck up royally with what she has now, which is the exact opposite of casual in so many ways, but even calling attention to that makes her feel like she's going to throw up. ]
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[ Diablo starts trying to gnaw on her jeans and she shoves him free, evading snippy teeth on the way. She palms her comm, typing with a thumb while she fends off his playful attacks. She's clearly a little distracted as she asks: ]
So other than fed up with puppies, how are things?
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[ And frankly she sounds a little put out over it. Also, gosh, Kate, there is this whole heartening reunion happening here, and you are going to text while it takes place? Rude. Claire snatches Diablo around the middle and sets him on a collision course for anything that isn't Kate's pants. This will likely end up being any number of Kate's other possessions, but he's less destructive than Tug and just more curious and cautiously optimistic by nature. ]
Fine, I guess. [ Pause. ] Well. Good, actually. I'm not dead yet, so I figure that's got to be a plus, right? I went back down into the corridors after the last jump. Didn't really find anything, which is annyoing.
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