[ Kate winces, minutely at 'nasty', just the slightest facial twitch, and then more obviously as Claire goes on. She presses fingers to her forehead and then rakes them back through her hair and nods. ]
Yeah, I can see how that would've made it even worse. And I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said it anyway, but I especially wouldn't have if I'd known that. But look, I mean-- [ It's her turn to pause awkwardly, hand half-out in a stalled gesture. She doesn't like airing her business any more than Claire does, which is part of what had made her so intensely touchy the next morning, but fair is fair. ] I'm trying to figure it out, too. I'm not saying that as an excuse, but I just-- it wasn't just some Katy Perry bullshit, okay? I'm into her. Like really into her. And it caught me off-guard when I realized it that night because it's just like one more stupid thing that I'm suddenly not sure about with myself and I-- I kind of freaked out a little. Like how did I not know that? Is it new? And I handled it really weirdly and badly.
[ It is and isn't the reaction that she's expecting, because she's spent the last what? month? thinking that Kate had just dismissed the whole situation as a drunken one night college sophomore kind of thing and nothing else. Because she's been building up the scenario in her own mind to both fuel and feed and justify her anger without stopping to consider any alternatives. She listens intently, not looking away but doing her best to keep her expression open to understanding, rather than neutral or arranged in a way that might imply anger. She's not angry anymore anyway. ]
Okay, well, number one, I think Johanna might be kind of aggro so please don't let her get drunk around you when she's carrying that axe. [ She believes that but also tries to convey that she's joking. A little. Just to break some of the tension. ] And number two... I don't know. You never know. It's just there. It caught me totally off-guard, too. That's why I thought, hey, if there's even a chance that this is something Kate's serious about, looking at it from that perspective is probably not the best way to go.
[ She runs one hand through blonde hair that is steadily getting longer again. Diablo is chewing on the toe of her boot, and she shakes him away a little. He jumps up, sticks his butt in the air, and attacks her toes again. She sighs in defeet defeat. ]
For what it's worth, I'm sorry, too. I still haven't figured it out, and I hadn't told, I mean, anyone about Gretchen at that point, and it just felt like something that I needed to get pissed about. [ She winces, slightly, and exhales hard. ] We're pretty adult, right? This is something that we should've talked about like rational adults. But also that's... not easy? I don't know. I suck at having friendships that aren't superficial. I want you to feel like you can talk to me about that kind of stuff, though. Sometimes that's easier said than done, and I get that, too, but I'd rather you talk to me about something that's freaking you out than... any of that.
[ Any of that being any of Kate's typical defense mechanisms. ]
[ Kate laughs a little, quietly, at the bit about the axe, but otherwise keeps her mouth shut and listens, shifting onto the bed opposite so she can draw a knee up to her chest and hook her mug-carrying arm around it. Her gaze isn't always fixed on Claire - she doesn't force eye contact - but even with her eyes on Diablo or her coffee she's listening, and looks up often enough to make that clear.
When the blonde seems done Kate's swirling what's left in her cup, and takes a sip before shrugging one shoulder, mouth tipped into a rueful sort of smile. ]
I was going to talk to you about it, but by the time I was capable of actual conversation we'd already screwed it up. [ 'We' is okay here, right? They can agree it was at least something of a joint effort? ] I'm not very good at talking about feelings. Not mine, anyway. Other people's I'm great at. But it shouldn't take us this long to deal with things like that.
And for what it's worth, I've decided to just kind of...let it go. I like hooking up with her, maybe there'll be other girls in the future I want to hook up with too, maybe not. No way to know at this point, right? It still seems weird that it took me til 22 to even really consider it, but. [ She shrugs, like what can you do. ] It's been a spectacularly shitty couple of months, I'm not going to complain about this. Even if she is totally aggro.
She's totally aggro. At least we can agree on that. But kind of cool in her own terrifying way. She offered to help me with the whole sword thing. So while you probably shouldn't make out with her when she's got an axe in her hands, I think it would be okay to make out with her if you felt like it.
[ Is a long-winded way of saying that yes, it's okay to use 'we' in this situation. She's able to put pride aside enough and has been from early on to admit that she fucked up, too. Pulling Kate aside and explaining things would have been easier than just shouting at her over a text message and then not talking to her for however long, but anger is anger, and she's done a lot worse in the past. ]
It's not weird that it took you until twenty-two to consider it at all. I don't think most people have anything figured out for half of their lives. My parents got divorced in their forties, so I think they're even still trying to figure it out. People who do have it all figured out, they're either some scientific marvel or I'm really jealous of them.
[ Granted, most of those people don't have to deal with the idea of immortality on top of everything else, which explains as much about her reluctance and general ignorance as anything else. For her part, Claire draws her legs up and folds them in front of her, leaning her elbows on her knees. Diablo, dismayed, attempts to climb up after them and eat her hair. ]
Anyway, I think the fact that we both suck at talking about how we feel individually but have an interest in how other people feel means that we actually come out even.
You talk about my feelings and I'll talk about yours? [ Kate smiles crookedly, and draws her other leg up to fold in front of her, brushing hair back over her shoulder. It's really long, at least halfway down her back like she hasn't cut it since before she arrived (because she hasn't). ]
I guess I wouldn't think it was quite so weird if my entire team weren't queer, [ she explains, gesturing with her mug. ] The most recent version of my team, at least. My two best friends for a long time are gay and my family doesn't give a shit, it's not like I would have had much reason to-- repress it or whatever. But yeah, I guess people are always figuring things out. Even if it seems like you should at least have these basics down by now. Maybe I've just got a weirdly specific type and it's 'aggro girls with axes'.
[ She watches the puppy, and slides her feet back to the floor, leaning over like she'd pick him up, but she checks first: ] Can I?
Also relationships and feelings are terrifying, so there's that.
[ Talking about playing with puppies is a lot easier than talking about talking about feelings, or just talking about feelings. Diablo, at least, seems to be aware that he is being paid attention to or, rather, become the topic of conversation, because he stops trying to inhale Claire's nose and chin at the exact moment of Kate's movement toward them. ]
Yes, god, please. [ She sounds exasperated, buried, and she gets her hands under Diablo's legs enough to manhandle him to the floor. He's still pick-up-able, but he's getting bigger and squirmier every day. She needs to start him on a training regime if she ever wants him to be useful in medbay. (If she is ever invited back to medbay.) ] He's great but he's exhausting.
[ She's aware that it sounds like she's describing a newborn. ]
They're really not worth the effort. This is why casual is perfect.
[ Kate is definitely the best person to take relationship advice from for sure.
She shifts onto the floor, folding her legs in front of her and scooping Diablo up into her lap before he has time to wonder what's happening. He's big and squirmy but Kate has fast hands and more patience with puppies than people. She plays with his paws and scratches his belly and ducks her head low to talk to him in an undertone and overall seems to forget for a minute that Claire is in the room and they are having a conversation. ]
[ Maybe someday, when she's more comfortable in her own skin. It's a strange kind of dichotomy, considering her reluctance to even form relationships in the first place. Casual would be easier for feeling a connection without having to have any of the strings, but her propensity to look for that connection she wants but is terrified of having in the first place overpowers the urge to just have things be anonymous. It helps that she's a virgin, still - or doesn't - and no matter what her perspective is on sex - mostly she doesn't care - Claire assumes having something casual is easier when you've already done it a couple of times.
She's very comfortable with what she has, besides. ]
If you ever wanted to hang out with him, or walk him, or, seriously, anything. I wouldn't mind.
That's fair [ Kate says and not in that way that people say it (and she says it) where it really means "fine, suit yourself" but like she does actually agree that that is a perfectly valid approach. It's easier to sound nice (to be nice, because it's not like she's faking it) when you're playing with a puppy, one who is sat in her lap and quickly learning the game where she puts her hand on his paw and then tries to pull it away before he can get his paw on top of her hand. She looks up after a second and smiles. ]
I'd love to. I had a dog, at home. Or technically Clint had a dog. Or really technically technically, some tracksuit draculas had a dog, but they were kicking him around so Clint brought him home and named him Lucky, and then he came with me when I went to California. [ She makes a 'long story short' gesture, twirling a circle in the air with her hand. ] I miss him.
[ But enough about that. She flips Diablo's ears over his eyes. ]
It took me a while to get used to the idea of casual. And then my first one night stand I ended up basically living with for the better part of a year. But space sucks, so. Might as well have some fun.
[ Tracksuit draculas? Claire isn't sure the image that she's getting is what Kate is actually referring to, though she has to admit that it does make the story that much more colorful in her head, as she's envisioning it alongside Kate's voice spelling it. She hopes Clint also staked those tracksuit draculas or at least punched them in the face a couple of times but doesn't ask. She doesn't want to offend Diablo. Or talk about a dog that Kate misses.
For her part, Claire never actually had a big floppy family dog, and her mom's Poms were always on a tight schedule and training regime. Not really the kind of animal that you roll around with in the backyard. ]
It's probably smarter to just do things casually, if you're capable of not getting too invested. But I guess you'd probably have to be a cold-hearted bastard if you didn't care that someone you slept with once got shot off into space or... if they missed a jump or disappeared or something. And I don't think anyone in this room is that. Maybe Diablo. [ She recognizes that her entanglements are terrifying and dangerous for her in that respect, but Claire also is willing to acknowledge that she wants them and deserves them and there's very little option in getting rid of them. As evidenced by her sitting here, for one. ] I mean I've never - well. The past couple of relationships that I've had were unmitigated disasters, even Gretchen. I haven't gotten to the fun part with anyone yet.
[ Is a really lame way of announcing her virgin club membership card. Lifelong member, but she really, really does not think about that. As no one should. ]
[ Kate never had a dog growing up either, part of why she's latched on to Lucky hard enough to consider him (at least partly) hers instead of letting Clint fumble around and do a well-intentioned but sometimes half-assed job dog-rearing. Dogs can't live on pizza alone no matter how much they enjoy it. At least not cheap pizza.
Claire goes on and she pulls a bit of a face at the top of Diablo's head, not sure for a moment whether she ought to be kind of offended or not. She's more confused, ultimately, and Claire doesn't seem to mean it meanly or about her at all, so whatever. She plays with puppy paws more, and ruffles his sides. ]
You're not a cold hearted bastard, are you buddy? No way. I mean I cared when Aidan left, I guess [ this directed obviously at Claire instead of the dog ] but he just went home and it was probably for the best that ended when it did anyway. Johanna.... [ She just shrugs. Who the hell knows how that's going to end.
She's more than capable of reading between the lines, but doesn't comment directly, at least not right away. Instead she says, vaguely but because she's not sure how to explain more than because she's trying to avoid the subject: ] None of mine have ended well but they were...complicated.
Which makes it sound like I've had some long string of boyfriends instead of really just two but they were both kind of disasters. Okay at the time and sort of-- important in some way, but never going to work out.
The fun part is the best part, though. As T-Rex says, "feelings are boring, kissing is awesome."
[ Claire arches an eyebrow and tries to parse through that before opening her mouth and embarrassing herself in some way, but there's no getting around it. ]
T-Rex? I know dinosaurs didn't come back from extinction just to start handing out relationships advice.
[ Although, given she and Kate's mutual and discussed track record, maybe a dinosaur would be able to help them more than they're able to help themselves. She is still pretty sure that she is going to fuck up royally with what she has now, which is the exact opposite of casual in so many ways, but even calling attention to that makes her feel like she's going to throw up. ]
It's from a webcomic. [ Kate looks up to smile, and shrug. ] My friends are nerds. But it's true!
[ Diablo starts trying to gnaw on her jeans and she shoves him free, evading snippy teeth on the way. She palms her comm, typing with a thumb while she fends off his playful attacks. She's clearly a little distracted as she asks: ]
So other than fed up with puppies, how are things?
My friends are nerds, and I've never heard about this until right now.
[ And frankly she sounds a little put out over it. Also, gosh, Kate, there is this whole heartening reunion happening here, and you are going to text while it takes place? Rude. Claire snatches Diablo around the middle and sets him on a collision course for anything that isn't Kate's pants. This will likely end up being any number of Kate's other possessions, but he's less destructive than Tug and just more curious and cautiously optimistic by nature. ]
Fine, I guess. [ Pause. ] Well. Good, actually. I'm not dead yet, so I figure that's got to be a plus, right? I went back down into the corridors after the last jump. Didn't really find anything, which is annyoing.
Maybe it doesn't exist in your universe? That would be sad. It's just called Dinosaur Comics. If you remember things when you get home you'll have to look it up.
[ It is kind of rude, isn't it? It doesn't last long, Kate's head popping up again as Claire snatches Diablo away. She watches him explore as she taps a couple more keys and then puts her phone away again. ] Sorry. Wait, you went back into the halls?
[ Kate's frown is concern, but clearly Claire is here and fine. Of course Claire would be fine. ] Did everyone get back okay? [ That is very clearly her first priority, and only second comes a repeat of what she's said whenever the subject of new expeditions has come up since their return from the halls: ] I really think we need new angles on this. More recon's not going to get us anywhere. I guess it's good to know the halls are open again, though.
[ Claire doesn't want to have to think about maybe or maybe not remembering when she gets home. Sometimes she thinks that she doesn't even want to get home. There's a writhing mass of consequences waiting for her when she does, and she would rather deal with space insanity any day than deal with the guilt of what she's done. Being away from it this long has given her a bleaker perspective, with more time to reflect. Maybe one day she'll be more positive about it.
As for Kate's questions, Claire nods, both in agreement and affirmation. ]
It was exhausting, honestly. I think I slept for eight hours straight without even moving. I don't know how good it is to know that the halls are open again. Even when we go down there and come up with different things, it's still the same dead end. More questions with less answers, less room for answers. I wish that I had more of a mind for research. I've been looking back through the network trying to find anything that might explain what's happening or why, but it's like putting together a puzzle with pieces that don't fit each other. And also I'm blind. And I've never put a puzzle together in my life.
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alsohawkeye) wrote2024-01-11 07:28 pm
that icon's just like HERE FINE HAVE MY SECRET TAKE IT
Yeah, I can see how that would've made it even worse. And I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said it anyway, but I especially wouldn't have if I'd known that. But look, I mean-- [ It's her turn to pause awkwardly, hand half-out in a stalled gesture. She doesn't like airing her business any more than Claire does, which is part of what had made her so intensely touchy the next morning, but fair is fair. ] I'm trying to figure it out, too. I'm not saying that as an excuse, but I just-- it wasn't just some Katy Perry bullshit, okay? I'm into her. Like really into her. And it caught me off-guard when I realized it that night because it's just like one more stupid thing that I'm suddenly not sure about with myself and I-- I kind of freaked out a little. Like how did I not know that? Is it new? And I handled it really weirdly and badly.
I OFFER IT TO YOU also a lot of word vomit
Okay, well, number one, I think Johanna might be kind of aggro so please don't let her get drunk around you when she's carrying that axe. [ She believes that but also tries to convey that she's joking. A little. Just to break some of the tension. ] And number two... I don't know. You never know. It's just there. It caught me totally off-guard, too. That's why I thought, hey, if there's even a chance that this is something Kate's serious about, looking at it from that perspective is probably not the best way to go.
[ She runs one hand through blonde hair that is steadily getting longer again. Diablo is chewing on the toe of her boot, and she shakes him away a little. He jumps up, sticks his butt in the air, and attacks her toes again. She sighs in
defeetdefeat. ]For what it's worth, I'm sorry, too. I still haven't figured it out, and I hadn't told, I mean, anyone about Gretchen at that point, and it just felt like something that I needed to get pissed about. [ She winces, slightly, and exhales hard. ] We're pretty adult, right? This is something that we should've talked about like rational adults. But also that's... not easy? I don't know. I suck at having friendships that aren't superficial. I want you to feel like you can talk to me about that kind of stuff, though. Sometimes that's easier said than done, and I get that, too, but I'd rather you talk to me about something that's freaking you out than... any of that.
[ Any of that being any of Kate's typical defense mechanisms. ]
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When the blonde seems done Kate's swirling what's left in her cup, and takes a sip before shrugging one shoulder, mouth tipped into a rueful sort of smile. ]
I was going to talk to you about it, but by the time I was capable of actual conversation we'd already screwed it up. [ 'We' is okay here, right? They can agree it was at least something of a joint effort? ] I'm not very good at talking about feelings. Not mine, anyway. Other people's I'm great at. But it shouldn't take us this long to deal with things like that.
And for what it's worth, I've decided to just kind of...let it go. I like hooking up with her, maybe there'll be other girls in the future I want to hook up with too, maybe not. No way to know at this point, right? It still seems weird that it took me til 22 to even really consider it, but. [ She shrugs, like what can you do. ] It's been a spectacularly shitty couple of months, I'm not going to complain about this. Even if she is totally aggro.
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[ Is a long-winded way of saying that yes, it's okay to use 'we' in this situation. She's able to put pride aside enough and has been from early on to admit that she fucked up, too. Pulling Kate aside and explaining things would have been easier than just shouting at her over a text message and then not talking to her for however long, but anger is anger, and she's done a lot worse in the past. ]
It's not weird that it took you until twenty-two to consider it at all. I don't think most people have anything figured out for half of their lives. My parents got divorced in their forties, so I think they're even still trying to figure it out. People who do have it all figured out, they're either some scientific marvel or I'm really jealous of them.
[ Granted, most of those people don't have to deal with the idea of immortality on top of everything else, which explains as much about her reluctance and general ignorance as anything else. For her part, Claire draws her legs up and folds them in front of her, leaning her elbows on her knees. Diablo, dismayed, attempts to climb up after them and eat her hair. ]
Anyway, I think the fact that we both suck at talking about how we feel individually but have an interest in how other people feel means that we actually come out even.
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I guess I wouldn't think it was quite so weird if my entire team weren't queer, [ she explains, gesturing with her mug. ] The most recent version of my team, at least. My two best friends for a long time are gay and my family doesn't give a shit, it's not like I would have had much reason to-- repress it or whatever. But yeah, I guess people are always figuring things out. Even if it seems like you should at least have these basics down by now. Maybe I've just got a weirdly specific type and it's 'aggro girls with axes'.
[ She watches the puppy, and slides her feet back to the floor, leaning over like she'd pick him up, but she checks first: ] Can I?
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[ Talking about playing with puppies is a lot easier than talking about talking about feelings, or just talking about feelings. Diablo, at least, seems to be aware that he is being paid attention to or, rather, become the topic of conversation, because he stops trying to inhale Claire's nose and chin at the exact moment of Kate's movement toward them. ]
Yes, god, please. [ She sounds exasperated, buried, and she gets her hands under Diablo's legs enough to manhandle him to the floor. He's still pick-up-able, but he's getting bigger and squirmier every day. She needs to start him on a training regime if she ever wants him to be useful in medbay. (If she is ever invited back to medbay.) ] He's great but he's exhausting.
[ She's aware that it sounds like she's describing a newborn. ]
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[ Kate is definitely the best person to take relationship advice from for sure.
She shifts onto the floor, folding her legs in front of her and scooping Diablo up into her lap before he has time to wonder what's happening. He's big and squirmy but Kate has fast hands and more patience with puppies than people. She plays with his paws and scratches his belly and ducks her head low to talk to him in an undertone and overall seems to forget for a minute that Claire is in the room and they are having a conversation. ]
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[ Maybe someday, when she's more comfortable in her own skin. It's a strange kind of dichotomy, considering her reluctance to even form relationships in the first place. Casual would be easier for feeling a connection without having to have any of the strings, but her propensity to look for that connection she wants but is terrified of having in the first place overpowers the urge to just have things be anonymous. It helps that she's a virgin, still - or doesn't - and no matter what her perspective is on sex - mostly she doesn't care - Claire assumes having something casual is easier when you've already done it a couple of times.
She's very comfortable with what she has, besides. ]
If you ever wanted to hang out with him, or walk him, or, seriously, anything. I wouldn't mind.
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I'd love to. I had a dog, at home. Or technically Clint had a dog. Or really technically technically, some tracksuit draculas had a dog, but they were kicking him around so Clint brought him home and named him Lucky, and then he came with me when I went to California. [ She makes a 'long story short' gesture, twirling a circle in the air with her hand. ] I miss him.
[ But enough about that. She flips Diablo's ears over his eyes. ]
It took me a while to get used to the idea of casual. And then my first one night stand I ended up basically living with for the better part of a year. But space sucks, so. Might as well have some fun.
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For her part, Claire never actually had a big floppy family dog, and her mom's Poms were always on a tight schedule and training regime. Not really the kind of animal that you roll around with in the backyard. ]
It's probably smarter to just do things casually, if you're capable of not getting too invested. But I guess you'd probably have to be a cold-hearted bastard if you didn't care that someone you slept with once got shot off into space or... if they missed a jump or disappeared or something. And I don't think anyone in this room is that. Maybe Diablo. [ She recognizes that her entanglements are terrifying and dangerous for her in that respect, but Claire also is willing to acknowledge that she wants them and deserves them and there's very little option in getting rid of them. As evidenced by her sitting here, for one. ] I mean I've never - well. The past couple of relationships that I've had were unmitigated disasters, even Gretchen. I haven't gotten to the fun part with anyone yet.
[ Is a really lame way of announcing her virgin club membership card. Lifelong member, but she really, really does not think about that. As no one should. ]
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Claire goes on and she pulls a bit of a face at the top of Diablo's head, not sure for a moment whether she ought to be kind of offended or not. She's more confused, ultimately, and Claire doesn't seem to mean it meanly or about her at all, so whatever. She plays with puppy paws more, and ruffles his sides. ]
You're not a cold hearted bastard, are you buddy? No way. I mean I cared when Aidan left, I guess [ this directed obviously at Claire instead of the dog ] but he just went home and it was probably for the best that ended when it did anyway. Johanna.... [ She just shrugs. Who the hell knows how that's going to end.
She's more than capable of reading between the lines, but doesn't comment directly, at least not right away. Instead she says, vaguely but because she's not sure how to explain more than because she's trying to avoid the subject: ] None of mine have ended well but they were...complicated.
Which makes it sound like I've had some long string of boyfriends instead of really just two but they were both kind of disasters. Okay at the time and sort of-- important in some way, but never going to work out.
The fun part is the best part, though. As T-Rex says, "feelings are boring, kissing is awesome."
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T-Rex? I know dinosaurs didn't come back from extinction just to start handing out relationships advice.
[ Although, given she and Kate's mutual and discussed track record, maybe a dinosaur would be able to help them more than they're able to help themselves. She is still pretty sure that she is going to fuck up royally with what she has now, which is the exact opposite of casual in so many ways, but even calling attention to that makes her feel like she's going to throw up. ]
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[ Diablo starts trying to gnaw on her jeans and she shoves him free, evading snippy teeth on the way. She palms her comm, typing with a thumb while she fends off his playful attacks. She's clearly a little distracted as she asks: ]
So other than fed up with puppies, how are things?
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[ And frankly she sounds a little put out over it. Also, gosh, Kate, there is this whole heartening reunion happening here, and you are going to text while it takes place? Rude. Claire snatches Diablo around the middle and sets him on a collision course for anything that isn't Kate's pants. This will likely end up being any number of Kate's other possessions, but he's less destructive than Tug and just more curious and cautiously optimistic by nature. ]
Fine, I guess. [ Pause. ] Well. Good, actually. I'm not dead yet, so I figure that's got to be a plus, right? I went back down into the corridors after the last jump. Didn't really find anything, which is annyoing.
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[ It is kind of rude, isn't it? It doesn't last long, Kate's head popping up again as Claire snatches Diablo away. She watches him explore as she taps a couple more keys and then puts her phone away again. ] Sorry. Wait, you went back into the halls?
[ Kate's frown is concern, but clearly Claire is here and fine. Of course Claire would be fine. ] Did everyone get back okay? [ That is very clearly her first priority, and only second comes a repeat of what she's said whenever the subject of new expeditions has come up since their return from the halls: ] I really think we need new angles on this. More recon's not going to get us anywhere. I guess it's good to know the halls are open again, though.
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As for Kate's questions, Claire nods, both in agreement and affirmation. ]
It was exhausting, honestly. I think I slept for eight hours straight without even moving. I don't know how good it is to know that the halls are open again. Even when we go down there and come up with different things, it's still the same dead end. More questions with less answers, less room for answers. I wish that I had more of a mind for research. I've been looking back through the network trying to find anything that might explain what's happening or why, but it's like putting together a puzzle with pieces that don't fit each other. And also I'm blind. And I've never put a puzzle together in my life.